Sometimes the best learning comes from eavesdropping! Don’t you think? Here’s what I learned while having a chai tea latte at one of my favourite haunts . . . Two men in their 30’s, sat down at the table next to me. One man started speaking about a young lady whom they both seemed to know – oh it’s probably important for you to know the context . . . it was about some kind of software business. The one guy begins by saying, “Michelle (not her real name), is really great. She’s organized, responsible, works well with others . . “ and he continued for a little bit. I knew what was coming so I waited for it.
“. . . but she doesn’t know how to do some things. She has big gaps in her knowledge.”
Why? Because it effectively erased everything that preceded it. Yes, wiped those adjectives right off the planet! Vamoosh!! That’s what the word ‘but’ does.
Read these sentences out loud to see for yourself:
That’s not a great place for anyone. The conversation then has the listener defending their point or their work (whatever you are attacking), rather than being able to hear what your point is. Does that make sense? If you want to have better work relationships, better home relationships and generally have people want to engage with you (I think I covered everyone in that statement), replace your use of ‘but’ with . . . ‘and.’
If the man had said, “Michelle is organized, responsible, works well with others and she doesn’t know how to do some things,” it doesn’t take away from Michelle’s attributes. What he’s saying is, both things are true of Michelle. Notice the difference . . .
Significant isn’t it? The word ‘and’ doesn’t put you on the defense, does it? It allows you to take in the positive information (instead of erasing it) and then focus on the second part of the statement.
Over the next 24 hours, pay close attention to your conversations. Attempt to catch yourself each time you are about to say ‘but’ and instead replace it with ‘and.’ You might struggle and only realize later that you used the word ‘but.’ That’s ok, that’s how learning occurs. Also I invite you to pay attention when others use the word ‘but’ and the impact it has.
Barb
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